Found your dick twin last night
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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