i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
