I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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