another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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