If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
