I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
