he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
