that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
