Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
