why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
