We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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