i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
