My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
