So drunk its hurt
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
