just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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