Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
