sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
