the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize