You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
