Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
