well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
