Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm at about main and main street
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
