Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
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