I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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