went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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