i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize