worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
