I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
