ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
