She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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