Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
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