What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
