Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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