and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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