As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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