Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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