sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hippo gnu deer
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
