just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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