The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
