I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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