I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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