I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
