I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
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