im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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