Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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