Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
