I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
