You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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