I cannot find my penis.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
