remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
