you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize