I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
