Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
