I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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