So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
operation have a gay friend backfired
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
