Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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